The Ruckus Rating
by Shabamzy
Place: Sneaky Dees
Address: 431 College Street
Toronto, ON M5T 1T1
(416) 603-3090
College st / Bathurst st.
They call it Sneaky Dees, Stinky Dees, Deaky Sneeze, Sneaks and The Tits. They serve up Tex-mex platers that weigh in like a new born baby who needed a C-section; Masseeeve to the French. The staff, those cheerful lot of indoor panhandlers will hate you on purpose, giving you the opportunity to hate them back with equal abandon and feel good about yourself while you do it. It's the most comfortable feeling being in the company of disregard. The staff pay so little care to your needs that it allows you to relax and not have to worry about being polite or tipping anything more than the tiny top strip of a durex condom wrapper you have left from that evenings hide and seek in the mommy cave. The beer; so cheap and soapy, the table scrawl; so mindless and profane. It's a dream and it makes you feel good about yourself because it is so very base. You can wear a ninja hood into the bar, I know because I did it. You can do push-ups on the floor, apply stickers to any surface, nick the hot sauce, the wet naps and the butter knives. Bliss Mofos. Bliss.
Sneaks has been at College and Bathurst since 1990 when it moved from it's Bloor location. It's long hallway of an upstairs is where you'll go to see bands ranging from crotch throttling brilliant (Foxy Shazam April 5th 2010) to sucker punching grandma horrible (My Disco, March 27th 2009). Count on hearing loss and minimal cover charges. If you throw up in the bathroom no one will notice because every inch of the cess pool looks like a technicolor yawn. 10 points. They have a guy working upstairs that is so fast with a mop it's frightening. I've seen him get all up under a falling beer and have it mopped before it hits the floor. He's some kind of slop guru and should be patted and commended. I tipped him last time even though he gave me some sass about the drink getting knocked from my clutches by a petite blonde lass.
While you can scream, dress insane, be ignorant and belligerent at Sneaks we did manage to get thrown out. Here is the tale…. You spend a whole night on a bar crawl and land your proud bum on the splinter ridden benches of Sneaky Dees at 2:36AM. Your good friends head is dangling limp, chin to chest and his eyes are rolling back and forth like he's trying to read something on his neck. A challenge is issued by the lunatic across the table from you named Stifler. The challenge is to each chug a beer with either the entire salt shaker or entire pepper shaker emptied into your pint glass. So naturally I debate hard for pepper and we toss the poisons in. We rifle our heads to the ceiling. I've got him crushed for time and there is beer, pepper and pride leaking all over the table. Mix that with his beer, tears and sweat and you got an accurate picture of what's seeping into the carved wood table. Now, it may not have been the best for the waiter to lean over the table to collect the disgusting beer glasses. It may not have been the best time for our buddy Jamie to swipe his big mitts in the toxic mixture and flick it at my face. It was the interception of the salt/pepper/beer/sweat nectar by the waiters eyeballs that really sent us packing. His cantankerous anger, bellows of rage and indignation echoed above the Slayer riffing in the background. His shock and trembles as he cuffed my inebriated sleeping buddy on his shoulder and hauled us out. I karate kick a chair in retort and slough off the rumour that it was done with intent and waltz like debutant to the door.
I've seen a man mouth kiss a woman who was painted on the wall here. For 10 minutes.
You will love this.
Ruckus Rating = a scale out of 6 rating the amount of crazed behaviours the place tolerates before being thrown out or beaten with a wet leather jacket.
Sneaky Dees has a Rucks Rating of 5.0
Signed,
Someone who favours mass hysteria to mass complacence.
Shabamzy.
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