Shabamzy - The Central Ruckus Rating

The Ruckus Rating

By: Shabamzy

Place: The Central

Address: 603 Markham Street, Toronto.

Annex local

Ever been handed a drink from a bartender that was supposed to be water but ended up being 100% vodka? It happens at The Central. Pour me a tall glass of sobering aqua goodness my good man! Nope. No way. Time to tell the brainstem to go real quite, still as the midnight tundra. Your feeble protests can no longer break through the 280 pound/proof Russian vodka bouncer I've thrust between your messages of restraint and the all out madness of the next four hours.

Brainstem pleads, "Don't sing every song with a thick Irish accent" It cries, "It's poor form to ransack your own purse, dump it on the floor and stealing your last $18 to buy shots for strangers". At The Central, you have no chance of sobriety or redemption. You will do these things and more. You will become a rutting savage, pure in the bliss and glee of the wild, free of your workload and the malcontents who stay home and drool. You will be sexy and advantageous in all regards. The Central will coat you in hot plastics and smear you on the opposite sex.

We call this place the Vortex. The small morsel of your brain that cares for your well being and says, "Don't dry hump the coat rack" will be sucked with gale force from your body as you enter the door. You will spend the rest of the night filling the void with candied liquors and a mouth full of foreign tongue.

They sell delicious food here as a front. You can't beat their sweet potato fries and they have wondrous sangria. Their tasty bites come at affordable prices and arrive quickly. They earn top notch for service and pleasure. It's a trick though; a ruse to make you believe you are not going to stay out too late and arrive red eyed and body buzzed to work the next morning. Clever little Central.

Our good friend left a party Lenny Kravitz was hosting to come to the Central with us. The Vortex consumed him and he spend the whole night walking around with his phone on his shoulder held aloft to show the picture of he and Lenny posing. He introduced him as though he were standing beside him. "Have you met Lenny he croaked", "yes, five times tonight chap." We've seen a candy food fight here, people walking out on a $200 bar tab, vomiting from the 2nd floor patio deck into the flora below and a guy walk straight into a window thinking he had somehow mastered the quantum physics needed for such a task. It's a prime picnic if I may say.

The Central is rated one of the premier live music venues in Toronto and has taken great steps to ensure new talent can flourish. Shabamzy plays there regularly and loads the place full to the tits with hounds and non-spade kittens. Bark and Moan we say.

Check out Justin Plet, John Tayles, The Weeds and more.

Visit Dirty Junk for 69cents play on Sunday Feb 7th for your chance to see local artist peddle their wares for extraordinary low prices. Just the name alone suggests you'd be a bed wetter not to attend.

You might not be the kind of person who looks for a mind bending local. You might be the club footed prison punk type who would rather touch a puppy while it sleeps.

Whatever type you are, you'll be welcome at The Central. Even the puppy private petters. You'll just have to stand at the front where everyone can see your hands.

Ruckus Rating = a scale out of 6 rating the amount of crazed behaviors the place tolerates before being thrown out or beaten with a rotten shoe.

The Central has a Ruckus Rating of 4.0.

Signed,

Someone who can tell your fortune by squeezing your nipples.

Shabamzy.

Link: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2268861180 The Central Facebook group.